( Groom ) and ( Bride ) you’ve finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite
appropriate as ( Groom ) couldn’t have done any better and ( Bride ) couldn’t have done any worse…
I organized a threesome for ( Groom )'s last night of freedom. There were a couple of
no-shows, but he still had fun.
Leading up to the wedding ( Groom ) has been on a whiskey diet. His lost three days
As best man it is my job to tell you about the groom, and all the embarrassing things that have
happened to him in the 26 years leading up to what was the happiest day of his life until i started this speech.
I won’t say that (Groom) likes to spend a long time getting ready in the bathroom, but usually
by the time I’ve waited for him to come out, I need to shave again.
Here I am standing up as (Groom’s) best man we have been through thick and thin together.
Shame that (Groom’s) still thick and I am not thin anymore.
( Groom )used to tell me fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the
( Groom ) was born on the ( insert date ) i spent ages looking on the internet to find something
memorable that happened on that day with not much success. All i discovered by coincidence is that staff at ( hospital where he was born ) call that very day Monkey Boy wednesday funny that
It’s probably most appropriate at this point for me to talk about the one thing that (Groom)
loves more than anything else in his life. He spends all of his time lavishing love, attention and his hard-earned money on her. For three amazing years, he’s been happier than I have ever
seen him before. And it’s all down to his beloved car.
What can you say about a man who came from nowhere and is now rising to the top of his
profession based solely on intelligence, hard work and willpower? A man who is distinguishing himself among his peers who say nothing but good about him? Well, that's enough about me. Today I
am here to talk about (groom’s name)
25 years ago (insert brides name) went to bed with a dummy...tonight she will be doing the same
I can honestly say that in all the years I have known (grooms name), no one has ever
questioned his intelligence. In fact, I have never heard anyone even mention it.
As we all know (Groom) is a geek and a know it all so much so that he created a formula to
work out the % of each of us attending. He was a bit worried when i came out as 30% chance of showing up but he was really concerned when (Bride) came up as 10% so i’m glad he was
Now what can i say about (Groom) that hasn’t already been said in any court in the
I know what your all thinking ..... that im going use this speech to take the mickey out
of (Groom), but youre wrong, its out of order to make fun of someone special.
I was asked by the Bride to avoid the subject of old girlfriends which i thought was fair enough
but what about the young ones.
Today i finally understand the saying love is blind. (Bride) ive booked you into Specsavers once
you return from your honeymoon.
I was asked by the Bride to avoid the subject of ex girlfriends which i thought was fair enough
but what about all his ex boyfriends.
I can let (Bride) into a secret she's in luck tonight apparently ( Groom ) is well endowed
downstairs because everytime we went to ( local bar or club ) all the girls would say there's ( Groom ) with that giant knob.
Its been a hard day all round for us today...... it was hard for me to help the groom be up and
looking good for the wedding, (Bride) said it was hard for her to say " i do " at the wedding and strangely enough ( Groom ) said he was feeling hard when he saw (Bride) walk down
the aisle at the wedding. I did'nt understand what he meant though.
I was pleased when (Bride) and ( Groom ) selected this venue as me and ( Groom ) are quite
familiar with this place as we've crashed many weddings here and its also the location for( Groom )'s local Alcoholics Anonymous groups get togethers.
When they made ( Groom ) they broke the mould no really .... they broke the mould he was a
very large baby.
When given the task of preparing a best man speech the ideal people to go to for funny childhood
stories are siblings but ( Groom ) is an only child. His parents could'nt face having more like him.
I am not going to stand up here and tell you all ( Groom )'s bad habits and sordid tales
it would'nt be fair ....... because we have'nt got enough time.
I knew ( Bride ) was right for ( Groom ) the moment i met her. As she wasnt shocked or put
off by his behaviour, dress sense or appearance.
When (groom) was only 10, he took up the guitar. And once we heard him practising, we made sure
she’d given it up by 10:30.
It’s not that (groom) is a particular bad cook, but even the cockroaches in the kitchen would
rather go hungry.
On the stag night I came across two of our mates, james and Doug, with bleeding noses. “Have you
two been fighting?” I asked worried. “Nah,” they said. (groom)'s on the dance floor.
As with most men (groom) has never grown up, his just learned how to act in public.
As for the stag night i can say that (Groom) has a clear conscience. But they also say a
clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.......... Only Joking.
(Groom) taught me an important lesson when we was young never get into fights with ugly
people, they have nothing to lose.
(Groom) said to me one day "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
together and there was only one life jacket... I would really miss you and think of you often".