Stuart Latchford

Ladies and Gentleman


Bride and Groom


For those of you that do not know me I am Stuart and for those that do sorry. I must start by thanking Harry and Catherine to allow me to play a small part in their big day (pause) and I would like to wish Harry luck on his big wedding night with his small part.


On behalf of the Bridesmaids and ushers, I would like to thank Harry for his kind words. I must agree the bridesmaids look fantastic and are only outshone by the Bride. Catherine you look stunning and I think you all agree. Ushers thank you for your help you look nice too.


I met Harry at school and he has not grown much since, in fact I worry how much his brain has developed since then, I mean his Maths was poor then but worse now. When Harry and Catherine were working out numbers for the meal tonight, he forgot to add himself and Catherine. His Geography is awful on the stag night he asked Chris where he thought the pole dancer was from, Chris replied Poland, Harry’s response was REALLY how do you know that. There was one thing he was good at, at school, being a great friend, which he is still now.


Being a man that understands the fairer sex Harry I would like to share with you the women's dictionary


FINE...She thinks she is right but you might have a good argument but this means that you should shut up.

You should never use the word fine especially about how she looks.


FIVE MINUTES... This means half an hour very similar to the five minutes we use when a football match is on and she wants to go shopping. So fairs fair.


NOTHING .......... if she says NOTHINGS up something's up you should be on your toes. NOTHING usually signifies an argument that will last "FIVE MINUTES" and will end with the word "FINE"


GO AHEAD... Under no circumstances go ahead... it is a dare if you go ahead you are in for an argument about "NOTHING" that really means something that will last "FIVE MINUTES" and you will not be FINE.


DONT WORRY ABOUT IT now be aware that this is a dangerous statement. This means it is something that she is asked you to do several times but is now doing it herself. This will later result in you asking what is wrong and the wife's response will be "nothing" I'm FINE.


Is that clear!






Harry and Catherine 

your application to join the wife swapping club has been accepted. Bring your keys. (Pause)From  Wife Swap Channel 4.


Harry Thorpe.

Following your circumcision last week we forgot to return the tip. Queen Mary Hospital.


Harry and I have been friends for a long time and have hardly been apart since we met but now he and Catherine are now married rather than losing a friend I feel as though I have gained a sister. I am so lucky to call them both friends, they are a fantastic match, and I know they will make an outstanding husband and wife.


May you be upstanding and raise your glass to my best friends Harry and Catherine.


The Bride and Groom