Matt Newman

Ladies & gentlemen, it has been such an exciting day that I am speechless...


This is probably very good news for most of you.


For those of you who do not know me, I am Sam’s brother Matt. As you will appreciate, because Sam is family to me, I know him pretty well. Maybe too well.


However, he made me promise not to say anything about his past until after he had the ring on Hannah's finger. Therefore, now you are married, Hannah I can tell you all about him. Fortunately, for him, he has paid me a substantial sum of hush money, so if you find he is counting every penny on the honeymoon, you know why.


Now it is great being a best man - and giving a speech about Sam is one of the best things about it. I was just pleased to be given the chance to stand up and embarrass him in front our friends and family and he just has to sit there and grin and bear it. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity - thanks Sam.


Before I get to the juicy bits, I would like to give a big thank you to all the ushers for their assistance today. I would also like to say that the bridesmaids all look lovely as well and are only surpassed by one beautiful woman, Hannah, our gorgeous bride.


For those of you who do not know Sam so well, let me give you some inside information. Some of you are probably wondering why Sam is a little pale. No – it is not the excitement of getting married. That is what you look like when the greatest love in your life, after Hannah, is your computer. He spends hours thinking about it, playing with it, programming it, touching it. Hannah – I hope that you can say the same about the way he looks after you in the years ahead.


Now they say a picture paints a thousand words so I have some for you.


May I begin with a bit of news for Hannah. I have photographic evidence of Sam bathing nude with another man ...AND with a woman rubbing soap all over them.


(Show picture 1 of Sam and me in the bath as kids with mum washing our hair)


Next Sam has always been in touch with his feminine side.


(Picture 2 of Sam wearing mums shoes)


But his always been a great brother.


(Picture 3 of Sam carrying me home after Dads 50th birthday)


Sam also loves football and his teammates will all tell you his best position is Left Back because this season it would be better if he was left back in the changing room. It’s due to his goal scoring antics no less than five own goals already this season but Sam will tell you that his just unlucky.


I don’t think that is true, today he is very lucky he has managed to marry someone that compliments him in every way and brings the best out in him. Since they’ve met I’ve been out with them together, many times, and they are great fun to be around and I couldn’t wish for anyone better to look after my brother...... and it takes the pressure off me !!!


Just before I finish I have some advice and I will use terms Sam Understands.


Marriage is like a game of football when you are around the box always try to score.

With skill and stamina, you can last the distance. However, a dirty tackle will usually get you sent off for an early bath.

Playing away from home will end up with a serious groin injury.

Sometimes you’re winning and sometimes you’re losing but always stick together as a team.

Keep practising and one day you can start a youth team together.


Will you please be upstanding and join me in a toast


I wish them love,life and lust for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy marriage.


To the Bride and Groom